Horses & Cowboys

They're like salt and pepper. Oil and water. Chocolate and vanilla. Something that just goes together. A cowboy and his horse.

Since I happen to love horses it's never a problem for me to write about them. I'm lucky. We own five. A lot of authors have to rely on research books in order to get their facts straight, but I think I'm the human equivalent of a walking Wikipedia when it comes to the animals I love. And so when I run across the occasional book that, well, seems a wee bit unrealistic, I always have to chuckle. Since this blog is geared toward all things cowboy, I hope you don't mind me taking the opportunity to vent.

First of all, Sex on a horse would NOT be fun. Let's look at this anitomically. A horse's back is only a couple of feet wide. The place where you sit is maybe three feet long. And so, not only would you have a tiny little area in which to, um, conduct your business, you would have to do so while perched five feet off the ground. On something that moves. Sometimes quickly. Sometimes not all that comfortably, either. Nope. Not going to happen.

Sex in a saddle is impossible. Saddles--be they english or western--only have room for one butt. One. That's all. No other butts allowed. If you sat two butts in a saddle, one would hang off the back. Or be elevated thanks to the saddle's cantel. Try to, ah, connect the dots. Go ahead. Try it. I dare you.

And speaking of sex...hay is not a good place to conduct connubial relations. Holy guacamole, that'd be like having sex atop a pile of nettles. Hay is as brittle and prickly as cacti. It will give you slivers. Just the thought of a heroine's bare bottom being pounded into a pile of hay gives me the heebie jeebies. I can only imagine the medical bill.

Not all men ride stallions. This one always makes me shake my head. Stallions are not nice animals. They are rotten, stickin', testosterone-laden, opinionated JERKS. Granted, there is the rare exception. My trainer owns one--a perfect gentleman (on most days). But those animals are few and far between. Most of the time they're nasty little pills that require the use of leather and chains. Just ask the gal that led our own stallion to a turn out pen. He bit her in the boob. Yes, the boob. Can you imagine our hero asking the heroine to mount his magnificent, steed only to have said horse turn around and CHOMP. 'Nough said.

A palomino is not a breed, it's a color. Referring to a palomino as a breed is like using the word "white" in place of Poodle, or "tan and black" in place of German Shepard. Don't do it.

Galloping off into the sunset might take awhile. It takes a very well-trained horse--years of training, really--to scoot off into a run at the drop of a hat. Out of all our horses, only one will do this upon command, and he does so because he's been trained to do so; it's necessary for horse shows. But my husband's ranch horse? Or his rope horse? Get one of them out into the wild blue yonder and it's trot, trot, trot, faster and faster, and then faster still; until they absolutely. Must. Canter. In other words, horses are lazy. Most won't gallop off ala The Lone Ranger--not unless you make them.

Whatever you do, don't drop the ball. I see this one in movies all the time. You know the scene: Our hero will canter up to the heroine, dramatically stopping in front of his all-time love, jump off his horse, fly into the heroine's arms and kiss her senseless. Meanwhile, off camera, our gallant steed has decided now might be a good time make a run for the hills, you know, since the human that'd been riding him was stupid enough to drop the reins and leave him standing there. Alone. Truuust me. Most horses will run off at the first sign of freedom. If you look closely, you can sometimes catch this phenomena in action. Pay attention the next time you see a cowboy in a movie. Every once in awhile the camera doesn't pan away quickly enough. The cowboy's horse will spin around before s/he makes a strafing run in the opposite direction, usually bucking and a snorting the whole way. Cracks me up every time.

I'm sure I can think of more, but I'll just bet there are other horse experts out there that have similar pet peeves. Feel free to share them!!!